when fear of failing gets in the way of your success

What’s easier than doing something difficult? Not doing it. Boom, procrastination is born.

IMG_4404

But you always look more productive with a cup of coffee in your hand.

A few years back I found myself in a pair of shoes very similar to the ones I’m in now. They were in reality probably almost the same style and color as the boots I’m wearing today, but that’s besides the point.

Applying to internships. I explained in a post this summer all about my pursuit of becoming an RD and how after not getting accepted to the WIC program I have, after many, many conversations with patient people who love me dearly and a lot of deep thought, *announced in an official voice* made the decision to apply to the match program. That was my plan in Winter 2013/2014 when I put my application off and allowed the difficulty of writing my personal statements lead me to believe that the time wasn’t right and that I was making a mistake. I am relatively confident that was the case and am happy things have gone the way they have, but here I am two years later and I’m feeling the same way. I am absolutely terrified to apply, mainly for the fear of rejection. It’s happened once and I don’t even know what I will do if I get turned down again. I’m not sure how to get the message across of how badly I want this and how much I believe I deserve it and would be a great intern. So I do other things like peruse all my social media accounts and even rejoin Twitter. I begin an addiction to a podcast and commit to cooking meals for my grandfather to help him reduce his sodium content. I make plans for every weekend coming up and take an entire day to update my resume and do nothing with it.

Seriously what is the deal!?

The deadline is February 15th and I have so much to get done by that date. Because of the cost of internships, the fact that I took on a hefty car payment/insurance combo last February and have no savings account, I need an internship that I do not need to relocate for and add rent on top of all the other bills I’m going to need a small miracle to handle. Luckily, there are options. They’re called distance programs and they allow you to set up your community, clinical and food service rotations by finding RD preceptors who are willing to help you further your career and setting up your own 6-12 month schedule to fill in with these rotations while meeting specific requirements. Just thinking about that makes my pulse quicken and makes it difficult to breathe. I already have asthma and a cold so the air feels pretty thin over here. The more stressed I become, the more I want to put off this gigantic project I have ahead of me. It’s a vicious cycle getting me absolutely nowhere.

It’s pretty insane how human nature works this way for some people. I’m not sure if it’s learned behavior or innate. I am not a big proponent of New Year’s resolutions because I think if you need to make a change you should do it now. However, since January first happens to be three short days from now I think this is becoming a New Year’s resolution on accident like my first ever reflection post was at the beginning of this year.

Winston Churchill said, “success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” And I’d like to add that everything seems to happen for a reason. Don’t be held back by fear of things not going as planned, let that fear make you work harder and inspire you to reach even further.

I need to stop blogging and work on my applications. Happy New Year, everybody!

P.S.

If you are a loyal reader of my blog, I have some exciting new things coming in 2016. Hope you join me!