That moment when you realize summer break will never come again until you retire. That hit me today. It’s an awful thought that creeps its way back into my mind the second I kick it out. Obviously the pro of no longer having a summer break is that I have a full time job in my desired field and can pat myself on the back for having successfully completed school and graduating with a B.S. But the con… uh NO MORE SUMMER BREAK. I could seriously have a solid basic white girl cry right now about my probs that aren’t actually problems at all.
Last summer I was in Ocean City, MD with my best friend at her parents’ beach house. That was seriously “the life” and I didn’t realize it at the time. Side note, my other realization today is that I may have set a record for the number of times being broken up with without actually being in a relationship. That’s a whole other blog post… can I get a prize for that tho? But per usual, I let the non-relationship status I found myself holding toy with my head every second that we weren’t where I thought we should be in our conversations and the connection I felt in the time we spent together and I was so glued to my phone and just waiting for the next time we were gonna see each other. Besides the non-relationship drama that I unnecessarily allowed to happen, that summer was awesome. The framily (my friend family, yes, we actually call ourselves that) had our first annual Beer Olympics, we went skydiving, I went to my first music festival, watched fireworks on the beach, I paddle boarded and I worked at J.Crew Factory store and babysat for one of the best families I’ve ever met. I was unbelievably tan, had a perfect running route and could ride a bike down to a pier on the bay every evening that I pleased and all I had to pay for were my groceries and half of the electric bill.
And this is why I’m salty. I was living the life, didn’t even have a clue because I was too busy being caught up in something stupid and I want it back. Of course I’m happy with where I am now and forever grateful to my family for letting me move back home and supporting me and loving me through this transition and my transition-related mood swings. I love my job and cannot wait to turn my dietetic internship application in and get that response. I’m planning a cross-country road trip with part of the framily and helping my boyfriend fill out as many job applications as possible so we can narrow this long-distance gap. Exciting things are happening and I don’t want to give any of these things up but there is just something so calming and perfect about being at the beach. The feel of the sand beneath your feet and your skin soaking up the rays of the sun. Every problem you have just melts away with each wave crashing onto the shore. I’m aching to be back there.
The summer before last I was in Spain and the 3 weeks we spent in Alicante changed my life. Honestly I’ve never felt as whole or happy as I did standing in or being near the Mediterranean sea. Maybe it’s because I was a whole continent away from my problems or maybe that’s just Europe for ya but I need to find that place again, within myself.
Sometimes I’ve gotten my true inner happiness mixed up with me being in a relationship or me having a certain amount of income or me wearing a certain size (0 or you’re not skinny enough) in clothing. I’m in the best relationship I’ve ever been in, even better than the first time we dated. I make plenty of money to meet my 23 year old needs and my body is looking better than ever so why am I so frustrated about not having a summer break anymore? What does it take for me to just feel at peace? I’ve felt a big pull towards finding my way back to my relationship with God and actually admitting that I’m not in full control of everything that happens in my life as much as I want to be and think I am. Maybe that’s a big part of it but I know something else that would help is waking up in the morning and meditating to start my day with a calm, cool and collected mind and sitting down to enjoy my coffee and breakfast for a few minutes instead of snoozing my alarm 3 times and checking my FB news-feed before I even get out of bed. When I mediate regularly I am so much more in tune with my surroundings and feelings and am genuinely happier so I don’t have to fast-forward three seasons to a summer break when I can relax. I won’t have that opportunity again for another minimum of forty years so my drive to find happiness in the now and let the metaphorical waves wash away all the worries of my soul with each breath I take is stronger and more important than ever.
And I have to hurry up, because summer’s almost here! 😉