sorry not sorry


My lack of ability to set boundaries is so apparent I once had a close friend buy me a book on learning how to set them. *Insert shocked and embarrassed iPhone emoji here.* I never finished the book but what I did read was super helpful… so I should probably finish it… and it goes hand-in-hand with my unwritten resolution to stop with my frequent use of the word sorry.

Simply put, I like to make others happy because it makes me feel good. But in reality it’s more like: I like to please people so much that I bend over backwards to make others happy and if I upset someone I have sleep-depriving anxiety until the situation is resolved or I’m far removed from it. Ew. That sentence is just gross and I’ve been actively working on this issue. But the problem is I’m not a selfish person by nature so it’s actually difficult for me to put myself first but sometimes I get so overwhelmed by a situation where I am never getting what I want because I’m not able to properly communicate my needs for fear of upsetting someone or being the “bad guy” or the “bitch.” After time this builds up. The pent up frustration becomes all consuming and I find myself whining the situation to death to my poor friends and family who get sucked into listening to it. Double ew. It’s proving to be a continual struggle to move from the state of mind of “sorry” to “sorry not sorry” to just being able to make decisions that sometimes consider my needs above others and live with that.

I was explaining this to my therapist, how sometimes I just want to stick my nose up in the air and stop being so nice because I’ve had it. And he laughed at me. His feed-back was that I think in extremes (big surprise there) and I don’t have to just be a mean person or a nice person. It’s not black and white. Apparently while becoming the people-pleaser that I am, I built myself a box and I live solely within those lines. It shocks and upsets everyone (myself the most) when I step outside what’s holding me in place. So my newest goal is to some days be a circle instead of the square I’ve built for myself. I’ll start with small circles at first to make this transition smooth and avoid the appearance of having developed multi-personality disorder.

This is the best photographic representation of the person I would describe myself as, and sometimes feel like I’m aspiring to be, when I get out of bed every morning. Radiantly happy. I never want to lose sight of my values and the way I care about others, I just want to gain the ability to say no and not die of guilt for saying it.